There are a lot of spy movies out there, many of which have established legendary status, like the belovedJames Bond,Bourne,Mission: Impossiblefranchises: full of tense action, cool gadgets, social suave, and romance a-plenty. Spy films certainly aren’t high art, and one would think they’d be easy to nail. But as many movies have shown over the years, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
In fact, there have been a lot of awful spy movies over the last few decades, many of which fail to get the basic principles of the genre right. Or they might go for theAustin Powersroute and attempt to parody the genre, only to end up being painfully immature and offbeat. Whatever route they take,the one thing these movies have in common is that they are awful, and have since been deemed the worst spy movies of all time.
10’Die Another Day' (2002)
Directed by Lee Tamahori
Die Another Dayis actually a canonJames Bondmovie. Which is extremely disappointing, because it doesn’t even feel like one. It seems like some sort of weird fever dream with its laughable special effects, outrageous premise, and itseven more outrageous villain. At best, the movie is mediocre, but at worst, it’s hot garbage. This film marksPierce Brosnan’s final appearance as the world’s greatest superspy, and it’s not hard to see why.
Though this movie is pretty bad, it did mark a turning point for the franchise–this is when it became abundantly clear that the cheesy energy of classic Bond films was no longer going to work, and the series needed to go through a major style change. So maybe it’s sort of a blessing in disguise. But that blessing is hidden behinda lot of questionable plot points, bizarre character choices, and implausible stunts that even long-time fans of the series didn’t really appreciate.
Die Another Day
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9’Casino Royale' (1967)
Directed by John Huston, Ken Hughes, Val Guest, Robert Parrish, & Joe McGrath
1967’sCasino Royaleis a007movie, just not one that fits into the canon of the Eon Films. Good thing, too, because it comes nowhere close to Eon’s 2006 version of the movie.Out of all the 007 movies, canon or otherwise, this one is definitelythe worst of all time. Mainly because the filmmakers intentionally made it as a satirical comedy. Sure, classic Bond films are a little ridiculous, but there’s still that aura of seriousness through it all. They don’t feel like parodies, just movies that aren’t afraid to be themselves.
This movie ultimately felt like a cash grab, trying to reap some of the rewards that the newly-established Eon franchise was gaining.David Nivenwas assigned the role of the main character, which is honestly a really weird choice, and theplot itself deviates so far from the book that it just feels like a caricature of the Eon franchise and the novels. Fans of James Bond can rejoice–because this one is non-canon, it can safely be skipped.
Casino Royale
8’G-Force' (2009)
Directed by Hoyt H. Yeatman Jr.
G-Forceis a movie that not even its star-studded cast could save–the premise itself is just too absurd. One doesn’t need to be a master spy or a veterinarian to know that trusting the world’s fat to a team of high-tech guinea pigs is just not a good idea, and it doesn’t matter how many high-tech gadgets you deck them out with. To its credit, the CGI and the acting isn’t awful. It’s made with experienced actors and a high production value, so this isn’t where it suffers.
Where it suffers is pretty much everywhere else. The storyline is ridiculous and nonsensical, the jokes fall flat, and the “emotional” moments really aren’t that emotional at all. It’s not even a movie that parents could put on for their kids to enjoy, because even children will become easily bored by it.On top of that, there’s something about anthropomorphizing animals that makes them a lot less loveable and cute, so it’s really hard to connect with them or even care about them as an audience member.
7’Spy Kids: All the Time in the World' (2011)
Directed by Robert Rodriguez
Spy Kids: All the Time in the Worldis by far the worst in the entire franchise, which is largely due to its gimmick. See, when this was released in theatres, it was marketed as being “in 4D,” which meant a ticket purchase came with a card that had a numbered series of scratch-and-sniffs on it. So, at certain points in the movie, a number might flash on screen, which would indicate the movie wanted viewers to scratch the corresponding number on their card to smell whatever was happening on screen. It’s a bit stupid, but it’s simple, right?
It really didn’t make use of the gimmick very well at all, with the movie using up all 10 slots on the card within the first quarter of the film, sometimes multiple of them at the same time. Also, some of the scents were just downright terrible. A few would be candy or food, but others were stuff like vomit bags or dirty diapers, with the film basically telling the viewers “hey, get a whiff of this!” No, thank you, movie. No, thank you, indeed.Even without the gimmick, it’s absurdly over-the-top, even for aSpy Kidsfilm, with hammy acting, terrible, unfunny jokes, and cheap-looking special effects. The only redeeming quality it had was the reappearances of Juni (Daryl Sabara) and Carmen (Alexa Vega). We get it,Spy Kids, you used to be cool.
Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
6’The Tuxedo' (2002)
Directed by Kevin Donovan
Spy parody movies rarely work. Actually, parody movies rarely work, in general. There are a couple ofdiamonds in the rough, but for the most part, they’re pretty uninspired, boring, and far from funny. Such is also the case withThe Tuxedo, a movie about a tuxedo that gives its wearer superpowers. Yes, really. Look, fans understand that spy movies use a lot of snazzy cocktail outfits, tuxedoes included, but this is more of a classic trope rather than a compelling plot device.
The movie not only comes with kitschy special effects, but abysmal writing too, with a plot that critics deemed to be completely incomprehensible. The movie’s star,Jackie Chan, really gives his all, and remains just about as awesome as ever, but even he couldn’t save this movie.He’s pretty much the only good thing about it, everything else is truly terrible.
5’Mortdecai' (2015)
Directed by David Koepp
Mortdecaihonestly had a lot going for it when it was first announced. It was based on a beloved novel series, and had a cast filled with big names, includingJohnny Depp, Ewan McGregor, Gwyneth Paltrow,andJeff Goldblum, among others. So where did it all go wrong? Well first off, it was extremely bizarre, and not in a funny way. The books may have been funny, but the movie felt like it was actually trying to be as unfunny as possible.
DirectorDavid Koeppeven knows how bad it is, and took to defending himself, stating that he had nothing to do with the writing process, he just turned someone else’s words into a motion picture. If a movie’s director doesn’t even really care about it, then what does it have? This film was nominated for three Razzies, which it didn’t win, but even a nomination is enough to speak to how bad it is.It not only flopped with critics, but in the box office, too, and is by far one of the worst movies of the year.It was quickly forgotten about, and for the most part, has stayed that way.
4’Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore' (2010)
Going back toG-Force, taking anthropomorphized animals and turning them into spies isn’t funny, it’s weird, and it does nothing to improve the cuteness of the animals. What’s remarkable is thatCats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galoreis actually a sequel. The first one, just calledCats & Dogs(2001), was not good either, but it’s a pretty far cry from the awfulness of its successor. This was directorBrad Peyton’s directorial debut, but it’s unclear whether he actually pitched this movie himself or whether he was just given it. Not all of his movies are great, but they’ve been getting better over the years.
Regardless, the first movie in this franchise was ridiculous, but ultimately forgettable. It’s a kid-friendly movie about animals that doesn’t really have much else to offer. But this sequel is so, so much worse in nearly all aspects. Its soundtrack consists of some of the most overplayed songs in movies, and was filmed in 3D without any real reason for it, because it doesn’t make use of it.It actually won a Razzie for this misuse of 3D, but it may have deserved a lot more Razzies for just how dull and unoriginal it was, aside from its lackluster comedy.
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
3’Leonard Part 6' (1987)
Directed by Paul Weiland
Leonard Part 6is misleading in its title, because parts one through five do not actually exist. According to the movie, parts one through five were withheld from audiences due to public interest. Honestly, the sixth part should have been, too. While it’s likely the first five parts never existed at all and was just added as a joke, it’s one that is not funny at all, setting the tone perfectly for the rest of this spy parody disaster.
Since-disgraced lead actorBill Cosbyactually came up with the movie himself, but upon its release, even he advised viewers to spend their money on better films. This movie received not one, not two, but three Razzie awards, and was also nominated as the worst movie of the year for the 1987 Stinker Awards.Where the movie fails is that it ultimately feels like a Frankenstein’s monster of other, more successful movies. Everything is just way too much, leaving it overly-convoluted, confusing, and uninteresting.
Leonard Part 6
2’The Avengers' (1998)
Directed by Jeremiah S. Chechik
The Avengershad the absolute nerve to not only have the same name as a popularMarvelcomic book franchise (which would later be turned into movies), but also to utilize some of the most legendary action movie actors without using them to their full potential. It’s gotUma ThurmanfromKill BillandSir Sean Connery, the original 007, and still falls flat on its face. Like many of its kind, this is a bad spy parody movie, although it may just be the worst out of all of them, and that’s saying something.
It’s actually based on a 1960s British TV series (that has nothing to do with Marvel at all), but it does basically everything wrong. Warner Bros. executives seemed to know it, too, because they refused to host any pre-screenings. Critics deemed the pacing to be atrocious, first way too slow, and then overly fast, they deemed the movie to be strange, and impossible to understand what’s going on. Some critics were even harsher, stating it makes other bad movies that came out that year look brilliant in contrast, and that there is no chemistry between the actors, with special effects that looked extremely outdated.It’s best to just steer clear of this one, even for fans of the original TV series.
1’Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever' (2002)
Directed by Wych Kaosayananda
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Severis a movie. That’s pretty the only good thing that can be said for it: it is, in fact, a movie. In this, the filmmakers and audience can agree, and are friends. Dig a little deeper than that though, and that entire agreement falls apart. This movie is one of the worst-ever rated films on Rotten Tomatoes,with a jaw-dropping zero percent. It’s so bad that it’s not even one of those movies where you can grab a couple friends, have a few drinks, kick back, and laugh at how bad it is, because that would turn into a miserable experience really quickly.
Critics had a lot to say about this one. For one, it uses unnecessary explosions at a level that would make evenMichael Bayroll his eyes.Moreover, the script was deemed to be babbling nonsense, and the characters are so detestable that audiences don’t even care what happens to them. Apparently, the actors may not have either, because some critics felt they could see how little starsAntonio BanderasandLucy Liuenjoyed their work as they mope their way through their lines. In short,it’s not only the worst spy movie ever, but one of the worst movies of all time, period.
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